Learning to Perfect Emotional Intelligence

I have often lacked an important aspect of Emotional Intelligence needed in maintaining relationships. That part that I have lacked is where you refrain from saying half the things you are thinking. I had a hard time couching my sentiments in more political terms.

Today, I might not say twenty five percent of what I am thinking. I continuously bite my tongue as thoughts fly to my brain in response to what someone else is saying about themselves or their habits.

You probably make the same decisions several times a day. You might want to say things in an uncut version about people or family about their work, their morals, their habits, their appearance, their intelligence and so forth. These remarks often don’t have much affect other than to cut them like a knife and affect how they view you.

If you are a boss, parent, or friend you feel the responsibility to make comments. Many of the comments, however, have your own agenda written all over them, instead of the welfare of the one listening.

I have had relationships with bosses where I pointed out what I thought was the defect in their behavior, thinking, or strategies. Since I was supposed to get reviewed and not them, it didn’t always go over well. I have also made comments to mates that were hurtful and made me feel resolved, but were never forgotten by them.

I have never been the master of couching comments in candy wrappers. Now, however, I refrain from comments most of the time because I feel my friendships are about camaraderie without judgment. Most people know their shortcomings.

At the highest level of emotional intelligence is empathy. That would signify that one should recognize the emotional state of another person and support it. That is what I try to do. People rarely ask you for your opinion on something personal, but when they tell you, they want to get it off their chest and not get reprimanded. We have had enough of that since childhood.

When people trust you they will give you major insights into what they are thinking or acts they have committed in a single sentence or confession. They are not looking for comment. They have thrown you a bone for a deeper connection. I am amazed how you can get into an exchange of past experiences or hurt in a few exchanged sentences and then move on with your previous conversation.  You have communicated at the empathetic level and deepened a relationship.

The ultimate plateau of Emotional Intelligence is flow or being in the zone. In this arena, we are engaging in an activity in which we have competence and are oblivious to distractions and not concerned about judgment or reward. I have found it in surfing and try to create it in my life.

People experience flow in sports, music, writing, cooking, art, work and life. Taking care of your responsibilities, constantly giving to others, pursuing your passions, having gratitude for being alive, and feeling a connection to your surroundings, all lead to a clear conscience and pure expression of who you are.