Relationship Styles, Personality, and Your Life

Relationship Styles: Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant

Personality Types: Artisan, Sage, Server, Priest, Scholar, King, and Warrior

How we relate to intimacy is the definition of how we will do with our relationships.

Amir Levine, M.D. in “Attached” does an excellent job of defining styles. She bases her findings on volumes of previous studies.

I like to read about the styles and compare them to my life and my friends’ to get a clear picture of how we are the same and different. I have two friends who have been married over 25 years. I have been divorced twice and remain happily single.

The secure style likes intimacy as do the anxious and avoidant styles. The difference is that the secure style is willing to absorb the anxieties and phobias of the other two styles.

The secure is of course good with other secure types. They both hold their independence as valuable but with high degrees of emotional intelligence they understand their own feelings and empathize with their mates.

The anxious relationship style wants intimacy but is concerned whether their partner loves them. They may be intrusive as they continuously seek reassurance. The secure style makes them feel comfortable and eventually reduces their anxieties.

The avoidant seeks intimacy, but really treasures independence. They feel they lose their identity and control of their lives in relationships. Maybe they are more selfish. The avoidant may give the anxious style great assurances up front, but at some point might start giving them mixed signals.

The anxious has difficulty with the mixed signals and this may make them more anxious. Their anxiety can cause the avoidant to withdraw as the anxious asks for more commitment and assurance. You get the picture.

Personality can mix with our relationship styles. Elizabith Puttick PHD, in “7 Personality Types” also bases her summaries on previous studies. I found her descriptions of the styles and the matrix she created very applicable and useful.

She gives the types labels:   Artisan, Sage, Server, Scholar, Priest, King, and Warrior. Then she creates a maxtrix of whether a person prefers to relate to a smaller audience or enjoys the big stage. The Server most commonly prefers individual relationships and would make a great mate with the King or Warrior or Priest.

The Priest, King, and Warrior in their most positive side like the large stage and are action and strongly achievement oriented.

My personal types were Priest and Scholar. The Priest likes inspirational pursuits and in the Cardinal Matrix prefers to address a large audience as opposed to working with individuals. The Scholar has a capacity for research and enjoys synthesizing volumes of information with a neutral bias that can be passed along to those who don’t have the time or patience for study.

The Priest might also value mission over relationship. They might also lose enthusiasm as relationships age. I have read about and you have also experienced so many people with a passion for their endeavor, they sacrifice their marriages and families to work on something they value.

You have to empathize with coaches wives and know they have a special understanding. But  many mates get involved with pursuits and their families either  suffer or indulge these passions or both.

My Priest personality type and avoidant relationship type make permanent marriage relationships unlikely for me.  What is the value of knowing our relationship style and personality type?

We can avoid the anxiety of thinking there is something wrong with us or feeling guilty. We can also adjust our behavior in situations knowing our inclinations when we want different outcomes.

These styles and types affect how we hunt for mates, who we attract, how we handle our careers and how we relate to our children. As a form of Emotional Intelligence where recognizing our feelings and those of others is crucial, understanding our inclinations and true desires can be just as important.

Creating a productive and happy life requires understanding our core competencies and finding our passions. Core competencies applied to passion can create our individual happiness or help us serve our community however large that may be.

Understanding how we best operate and can expect ourselves to optimally function can help us be a laser rather than a shot gun. It will help us set up a positive environment for ourselves and understand under which conditions we will be nurturing.

Not understanding why we do things creates frustration and possibly regrets. Understanding the best career, our best audience, and our relationship style makes us more effective, helps self esteem, leads to happiness, and makes us a positive contributor.

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“Attached.” By Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F.Heller M.A.

“7 Personality Types” by Elizabeth Puttick, PHD

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